The Unheard Voice of Umakhwapheni.

Sexual infidelies are one of many features contributing towards the dysfunctional structure of our society and demoralisation of the marriage-family institution as a whole. In a nutshell, one can reach a careless conclusion that almost all marriage or relationship failures, atleast 90%, are as a result of irresponsible sexual behaviour or adultery of one partner between the two. Yet nobody has ever bothered to hear the mistress’s side of the story. Over the summer holidays I was fortunate enough to come across a “brave side-chick” who in a way managed to unravel the unknown yet very much abhorred mystery behind transactional relationships.

 Umakhwapheni, Side-chick, Mistress, 250, Flex-lady, iNkazana, Cheque madam, Third-leg and so the list the goes on. We have branded them with names and have passionately lived to either hate or love them- they are that third unknown lady in that relationship or marriage who is always blamed for the male partner’s unfaithfulness yet she remains unknown in all her operations. It bothered me to realise that I, like many others have never heard this mysterious character’s side of the story. The Why, How, What and Wheres.

 On this Saturday evening, my opinion gets challenged oncemore as I meet with lady, Precious Mazibula, Age 25, Kwazulu-Natal born  (original identity changed to protect individual) who out of her own will decides to unpack the lifestyle of a side-chick and narrate her life journal to me of how she ended up in her imperilling life situation.

Precious is one of over a thousand hopefuls who flock into Johannesburg yearly in a quest for a better living. She left her poverty stricken home in Eskhawini; Kwazulu-Natal to pursue her Sound Engineering studies in the city of gold, where dreams are lived and opportunities limitless. In her second year of studies, her father, a farm-worker who was also a bread winner at home unfortunately passed away. This to Precious meant, she had to look for alternative funding to cover her tuition or else drop her studies and go back to be a liability to her almost 50 year old sickly mother who was now a widow and guardian to her 5-year old son.

After finding herself between the devil and the deep blue sea, she decided to use the little skill she had acquired by playing in local gigs around Jozi- this is where she met Nimrod aka Dj Ooze (original identity changed to protect individual) a renowned money maker who is known by the whole of South Africa and celebrated by many for being a success in the much male dominated Dj community.  “It all started with a one night stand. I was naïve I know but he was exactly what I needed at the time. I knew of many girls who wanted Nimrod and never had a chance. I saw an opportunity and I used it” said shameless Precious. This was the beginning of her ‘lights out’ life- that first night was a doorway to her anonymously becoming a part of the infamous DJ’s life who at the time was all over tabloids and gossip columns celebrating his newly wed wife. That to Precious meant absolutely nothing as she, according to her, knew her place and had no business interfering in Nimrod’s domestic affairs.

By now, our conversation was getting closer to the core and I had to be very sensitive in how I handled her, the trick was to assure her of my trust and make her as comfortable as possible. With that being achieved, she continued to divulge details of this private ‘love’ affair.  A rail of questions came to mind and I could not help but wonder how this affair benefited her financial ordeal. She then disclosed a huge sum of money that was apparently deposited to her account as a first of many tokens of ‘appreciation’ to follow for being ‘a good girl’. When asked how she reacted to this, she responded; “At first I was shocked, then I decided to keep calm because I had never told him of my situation. He just kept it coming. So who am I to stop a generous man?” (chuckles). It became clear to me that Precious had calculated her moves very well; she did have an idea of what she had gotten herself into and decided to enjoy the transactional side of it.

How can a supposedly well groomed KZN girl end up in this disgraceful situation? How dare you Precious! Didn’t she have other choices? Isn’t she ashamed of being a marriage wrecker? Does she have no shame? These are some of few selfish questions that were bubbling from my judgemental inner self but I had to quiet them and learn to contain myself as something authentic in this lady kept me longing for more. I set there as she unloaded details of many other nights and how she continued to live off the married Dj’s pocket. I couldn’t help but wonder though if she was aware of the possibility of her sharing this man with many other girls. To my surprise she knew that Nimrod didn’t belong to her and could leave her for another Precious any day, any time. Clearly, this young lady had sold her soul to the devil game and swallowed her conscience in the process.

I am not sure if you are aware that Precious wants nothing to do with Nimrod’s wife. She doesn’t want to end his marriage with the beloved wife. She also said nothing about wishing to wear the Mrs hat. No! Yet, society will blame her should this affair come to the public. Chances are she will be victimised and Nimrod will smooth talk his way to forgiveness. No one will know her story. She will be remembered as the immoral KZN young woman who destroyed what was once built in wonderful matrimony. No one is interested in her story.

I hope you are not under the impression that I am condoning neither Precious nor Nimrod’s lifestyle, this far my opinions don’t matter much. Statistics have proven though that within the human species, females dominate their male counterparts in numbers. Could this mean, females will at some point share a male companion? If not, how will this population imbalance be met then? I wondered in silence if dear Precious knew of other side-chicks who were also in the same game as her. Although she didn’t give much details as I could see from her body language that she was reaching her point of discomfort, in a way she did hint of how rapid this lifestyle is amongst many girls in Johannesburg. So, where are the madams then? Did Nimrod ever talk about his precious wife to dear Precious? Well, he did and this is what he had to say about his darling wife; “I love her. She is my wife but too dignified and less adventurous for my needs. There are things she wouldn’t agree to do. Things you would do with such pleasure [referring to Precious]…”.Could this then mean Nimrod jumped the infidelity line because the wife was incompetent in her position or did he just prefer variety? Wouldn’t it be unfair to blame all of this on Precious?  Would I be biased towards the wife if I said anyone would strive to satisfy his needs with a fat pay cheque waiting in the far end? What can one make of this situation?

Surprisingly,  when I questioned Precious if she was aware of how she has exposed herself to sexually transmitted diseases, she responded by saying, “Ofcourse I am aware of that… but who isn’t going to die? The only difference is that I might die of a disease whilst you might die of tragedy”. This to me was a veil removal moment. It was revealed at that very point how poverty and lack had driven this potential future leader to opening herself to a possibility of dying before her time just to put bread on her table. I couldn’t help but wonder how many girls in Johannesburg had chosen this path. It could be my sister, your niece or daughter. I shuddered as reality was in my door area- I then realised that much is happening in our society that we are completely ignorant to. I couldn’t help but put myself in her shoes and wonder if I could’ve been a better person facing the same situation. Could I? The truth of the matter is, there is always a choice. Precious also had a choice and each one would have led to different consequences. Perhaps you are thinking, she could have looked for a job. But have you realised how easy we say one must look for a job yet knowing how difficult it is to get a decent job in these recessionary times? I am neither supporting nor bashing Precious here but I am opening your mind to a whole lot of possibilities we never consider.

One thing I know for sure is that adultery or cheating are unjustifiable wrongs but how to draw a summary in this context remains a mystery to me.  Incase you are wondering what happens to Precious, well she continues living the unknown night life as she banks from the ‘generous’ man’s pocket and send money home to her mom and son. Granted an opportunity though, she would love to live a decent life and further her studies as she had initially planned.  But life gave her lemons and she made a recipe out of them. That Is her reality and a reality of many other woman who are living in shame because of how judgemental we have become as society, how we have turned a blind eye towards men like Nimrod in our communities or of how well accepted men infidelities are.

To the dear wife, I can’t help but worry about your state in this situation. It saddens me that you remain faithful yet so exposed at the same time.  Chances are you might never be aware of the life you have lived unknowingly. They say the two become one right? I also feel pity when you call the other woman, Precious, names because she, like you was pursued by your man. Can’t you see the pattern here? Can’t you see how ashamed she is beyond that brave smile and careless attitude? Wait, did you even pay attention to her?  It could be your sister of daughter for all I know and you would never know.  That short revealing dress and heavy make-up should tell you something about her broken self. Yes, she is a side-chick and I am not asking you to befriend her but before you go to her house and attach her, before you embarrass her in public, take a pause and ask yourself if you have considered paging her Chronicles because like you, she is a victim.

To all side-chicks living and enduring life out there because of your inescapable life conditions, sisters be strong but know this, there is always a way out. That choice to walk away is still there. It’s all up to you. In all you do, consider the consequences. It’s not me wishing you bad luck, it is just a life principle- every action has consequences, whether good or bad.

To my brothers, the Nimrods out there, I will not say much. As you continue to widen the circle, remember this; there will come a point where the circle is too wide for you to manage and within that will fall your daughter. Her reasons for tagging along will be different all together but because of your emotional absence, she will need affection from other men like you to fill that void. You choose.

To you reading, as I learn, I hope you also learn to look at each situation from all possible sides before drawing conclusions. Society has such double standards and it takes a special eyes to see right through it. I hope you get that special eye.