You Must Never-Ever!

One of my privileges in my lifetime has been travelling all over SA, dine and converse with different sets of people who come from different walks of life. In each one of them I have lived to see the ligh, listened to their stories, learned their behaviour and imparted or adopted something special in each one of them.

Because I am observant like that,I have identnified a few lines you must never-ever cross with any South African, whether they are black, white, yellow, brown or green. Things like unless you are Jackie-Chan, Chuck Norris or Dr Malinga please dont throw your legs around when dancing in a party. People might just act in self defence. Ok, here we go:

Firstly, if you can't speak vernac, kindly refrain from reffering to fellow blacks as "WENA", it is not cute because you think you are trying it is rude and disrespectful, so STOP IT WENA!

Secondly, if you are black and went to a Kasi or rural school and you are just darkie like 'that' please toe dont speak like your tounge is on ice or coated with super-glue just to sound like your fellow blacks friends who went to white schools, that tweng its ridiculous. Atleast try to bite your tounge then. You must NEVER-EVER.

Thirdly, If you are Afrikaans and  happen to come across a fellow darkie who speaks english much better than you, please stop saying "Oh you  speak so well", it makes them wonder how they are suppose to speak. Like a toddler maybe?

Fourthly, if you happen to go to an Indian shop to buy an item, NEVER-EVER carry your wallet full with cash, the minute they see it, dollar signs starts rolling in their eyes and they can just double the price on the spot. Always negotiate for a discount - even if its 20c.

Fifthly, you must NEVER-EVER drop a big word unnecessarily on a dinner table, especially when you are not clued up about its meaning. Next you are going to tell us that the wine is getting 'promiscuous'...Really? Stop it!

Sixthly, if its  broad daylight and temperatures are beyond 25, 'HAWU' you cant wear your matric dance or wedding evening dress in town, it is illegal. We call it 'evening wear' for a reason.

Seventhly, Pyjamas, pyjamas are not for the public my fellow folks. Keep them indoors, under the blankets. You must NEVER-EVER got to your nearest Pick 'n Pay rocking those pjs with a pantyhose on your head before you know it you might be arrested for public indecency. Stop!

Eighthly, unless you are a taxi driver, walking with a deafened person or perhaps Nigerian there is no need to shout bathong. Keep calm and keep it private.

Ninethly, if you are a plus size, please eccept it, atleast for now. Wearing a size two times smaller  than your normal clothing size makes you look like a sausage and sadly a cheap one not a SEXYsausage. Sorry hle.

 Tenthly, because we know your joji please mann, don't ask someone with better  joji to update your status on Facebook evenworse steal that content from some writer and make it look like your own. PLAEGIRISM IS ASERIOUS CRIME.

 Eleventhly, if you are a man and still want to have children, STOP WEARING THOSE SKINNY JEANS rather do legins then. You must never ever.

And lastly unless you are Andile from Khumbulekhaya, and you are as dark as a raisin, please dont wear a blonde wig. It makes you look like a factory fault from heaven. God never makes mistakes. Keep it real.

You must NEVER-EVER suck a lolly-pop  or eat a banana in public. Its just not right!